​I am grateful to those who have read all or part of Set Your Course. We will take a break until January and then begin posting it from the beginning starting on New Year's Day. We are getting closer to having the book ready for publication, and the readings will have the changes which improved the quality and usefulness of the book. My wish is that 2017 will be a wonderfully transforming and fulfilling year for you. 
​
Blessings from Wayne Holmes, author and President of Religious Recovery.

STONE THIRTEEN CONTINUED
 
Love: I learn to deepen my ability to love when I learn to tolerate, accept, embrace, and forgive. I choose to employ these attributes to my spiritual walk, to my personal relationships, and to my world view.
 
Instruction: Choose love.

In every decision we make, we will find our world more peaceful if we stop to consider what love would do. Love doesn’t choose sides. It considers the needs of those offended, but also the needs of the offender. Both are in a place of needing our love, understanding, forgiveness, and compassion. Both are in need of grace.

I have lived most of my life in Cincinnati, Ohio, and as such, I have been a Cincinnati Bengals’ football fan. I have to admit that there have been times when the Bengals weren’t playing well, and I would send up a prayer on their behalf. The majority of the time, it didn’t seem to work. Does The Divine have a favorite sports team? Is The Divine swayed by our prayers to help one team over another? Consider this on a higher scale and think about religions and nations. Does The Divine favor one nation over another or one religion above another? If so, then The Divine would seem to have human characteristics that can be manipulated. If The Divine favors one nation or one religion above the others, doesn’t that mean The Divine loves one more than another, or that The Divine seems to reward one over another?

Some claim that we are a nation under God, but don’t other nations claim the same thing? Perhaps they use a different name to refer to their deity, but still the claim persists and seems to imply that because we believe we are “under God” that we are granted some special kind of favoritism — or that we are loved more. Divine love is not only unconditional, it is also equal. The Divine loves each nation, each religion, and each individual equally. The Divine has no favorites, doesn’t back any particular football team, and loves us without conditions. May I be so bold as to suggest that The Divine forgiveness, if even necessary, is also without conditions? We are forgiven not because of our actions or behavior, but because The Divine loves us like a parent loves His or Her child, and we are all created and formed in the image of Love. Perhaps the thought that The Divine loves all people and nations equally is new to you.

Today’s Assignment is to take a moment to consider how big your Higher Power is. Do you believe in a supreme being who shows favoritism? My thoughts, prayers, and hopes are that those who have read these words have been able to enlarge their vision of The Divine. I hope that you, the reader, find it easier to love and forgive. And, I hope that we can collectively let our Light shine so that others can see.

STONE THIRTEEN CONTINUED
 
Love: I learn to deepen my ability to love when I learn to tolerate, accept, embrace, and forgive. I choose to employ these attributes to my spiritual walk, to my personal relationships, and to my world view.
 
Instruction: Forgive to love.

The most prominent theme that echoes in this book and in all of Religious Recovery is forgiveness. It is appropriate to return to it once more, because it is a vital part of love. We want to know and have a relationship with our Higher Power, but some religious groups seem to have made The Divine inaccessible to us unless and until we ask for divine forgiveness. These religious organizations also want to define what that looks like. In order for us to receive divine forgiveness — and divine love — we must first admit our mistakes and then ask for forgiveness. Having a relationship with The Divine, therefore, is dependent upon our repentance and divine forgiveness. Some would go further and define what forgiveness looks like in human terms, which, in their interpretation, mean church attendance, tithing, serving the church, and other rules and regulations. I disagree. Love is not love when it is conditioned on our behavior. Forgiveness is not forgiveness when it is also based on conditions.

Within the concept of forgiveness, I understand the need to separate ourselves at times from those who have hurt and abused us, but separation and forgiveness can work together. We don’t withhold our forgiveness, but we don’t have to allow the hurt and abuse to continue. We don’t have to allow our abusers to have power and control over us. These individuals will often try to manipulate us by telling us that if we love them and forgive them, then we must continue to have a relationship with them. Their thinking seems logical to them, and they can be insistent, but one of the greatest acts of love we can provide another person is to allow them to grow up, make their mistakes, and allow them to be responsible for their own journey. We are not here to fix them, but to travel with them for a time — only for as long as our combined journey is safe. Love is unconditional, but part of what it means to love is to also love ourselves. There are occasions when we must balance our need for love against another person’s need for love. By listening to our Higher Power and the divine Voice within us, we will find that balance, and our love will complete ourselves and the world around us.

Today’s Assignment is to consider if the amount of love you give and receive is in balance. Are you able to separate yourself from those who would take advantage of your forgiveness and love? Are you able, at times, to set aside your needs in order to tend to the needs of another? Are you also able to say “no” to the needs of someone else in order to love and care for yourself? A healthy life is a balanced life. Strive for balance — especially in the areas of love and forgiveness.
 

STONE THIRTEEN CONTINUED
 
Love: I learn to deepen my ability to love when I learn to tolerate, accept, embrace, and forgive. I choose to employ these attributes to my spiritual walk, to my personal relationships, and to my world view.
 
Instruction: Love big.

My father used to say to me, “If you’re gonna do it, you might as well do it right.” We have nearly reached the end of the Steps and Stones of Religious Recovery, and we have saved the most important instruction for last. Perhaps it should have been first among the Stones and even placed first among the Steps, but, ultimately, all that we write and speak about should lead us back to love. In keeping with my father’s advice, “If we’re gonna love, then let’s do it right.” Let’s love big. Part of what that entails is removing any hindrance to love. How can we love people of a different land if we can’t love members of our own family or our neighbors across the street? To love big, we might have to start by loving small. Both of these extremes are really only in our minds. Love is love, and when I learn to love, I can apply it to those I’ve never met as well as to those who have hurt or abused me. I can apply it to my enemies and to my closest friends.

Love knows no boundaries and only our concept of separation keeps us from loving more fully. If we think we are different from someone else, better than or lesser than someone else, more worthy or less worthy than someone else, we are mistaken, and we will struggle to give love without conditions. Our discussion of tolerance, acceptance, embracing, forgiving, and respecting has led us to the culmination of what it means to love. We love as The Divine loves or our love is conditional and hasn’t come to maturity. Our view of our Higher Power will condition our ability to love. If we believe The Divine has favorites, then we will feel justified in treating people differently. But, for my part, I hope The Divine doesn’t have favorites, because that puts me into competition with those who seem to be favored by The Divine and gives me false pride if I consider myself to be more favored than others. The Divine loves all of creation with unconditional love, and The Divine has no favorites. All are children of The Divine, and, thus, we are children of Love. There is an expression that says, “Go big or go home.” I propose that we go big in Love, for that is our Home.

I want to offer a few more words of caution. Yes, I certainly believe strongly in “Big Love” but when there is a situation involving an abusive spouse, we are certainly not saying that “Big Love” mandates a return to an abusive relationship. Often the best course of action is to love the abusive person from a distance, even if that means at some point permanent separation.

Today’s Assignment is to consider ways to safely enlarge the quality and quantity of your love, but at the same time, keep in mind our words of caution. Love big, but stay safe in the process. Remember that loving big also means to be true to yourself.

     Through forgiveness and through release of the past, present, future, and negative emotions, we find the experience of non-attachment. Three simple steps can be taken to experience non-attachment more frequently.
     The first step it to observe. Our spiritual lives are not lived in some other dimension of time and space. We remain present in the world, but we become the observers, the watchers of things as they come and go. The second key is to allow. Our job is not to stop the world from turning but to allow it to spin. We are called upon to observe what is happening and to allow things to unfold. The third key is to let go. Things might happen that we wish had not happened. We have no logical explanation, and the events seem to disrupt our beliefs in a loving deity and an ordered and fair world. Non-attachment decides to accept whatever comes and to find the good, the lessons, and the joys — and even the laughter that is always available in all situations.
     Stuff happens. But, we decide how to interpret that stuff, how to relate to it, how to use it for our benefit and not our defeat, and how we interpret it for the better of all humanity. Release things, circumstances, and situations, and then accept and overcome.
 

STONE THIRTEEN CONTINUED
 
Love: I learn to deepen my ability to love when I learn to tolerate, accept, embrace, and forgive. I choose to employ these attributes to my spiritual walk, to my personal relationships, and to my world view.
 
Instruction: Treat everyone with respect.

Some people might contend that respect must be earned, but respect is an extension of our commitment to tolerate, accept and embrace. As such, respect is an ingredient of divine love. One definition of the word “respect” states this: “esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person,…”[1] Respect is often considered a choice we make, but I wonder if in fact it shouldn’t be given as a matter of course. We might not agree with a person’s beliefs or behaviors, but can’t we still respect them as a creation of The Divine? Can’t we look past the issues and problems that would have us lose respect and see the worth of the individual simply because they are, like us, wonderfully and mysteriously made? Sometimes respect is best given from a safe distance, and one way of giving respect is by not bad-mouthing, belittling, or seeking vengeance. By separating ourselves from our accusers and abusers, we not only show respect for them, but just as importantly, for ourselves.

I know that I have a lot of respect for a whale. What a wonderfully massive creature that owns the oceans and strikes fear into lesser creatures. If we can respect something that doesn’t have the power of thought and the potential for creation as we do, then I propose we can respect every human being simply for being alive — not necessarily for their actions, but because of the complexity of their presence and the potential for good that lies within them.

We respect our friends, leaders we admire, and those who commit to a cause that is greater than themselves. We tend to lose respect with people who disappoint us, turn on us, or abuse us. Though we disagree with their beliefs and might abhor their behavior, we can still respect their right to differ from us, and we can respect their right to behave as they choose. This is an aspect of love that some may find difficult to accept, but when we respect some people and disrespect others, we are judging them, and judging people is not our role. The role of spiritually-minded people is to love without prejudice and allow each individual to learn the lessons that the Universe assigns to them. We have come here to love. That is our role, our job, our meaning, at the core of our being, and our hearts desire.

Today’s Assignment is to consider if there is someone in your life who you do not respect. Can you find a way to show at least a small measure of tolerance, acceptance, and respect to that person? Would it help if you physically or mentally separated yourself from her or him? Do you also believe that you are just as worthy of respect as anyone else?


[1] http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/respect?s=t

STONE THIRTEEN CONTINUED
 
Love: I learn to deepen my ability to love when I learn to tolerate, accept, embrace, and forgive. I choose to employ these attributes to my spiritual walk, to my personal relationships, and to my world view.
 
Instruction: Embrace the individual.

Religious Recovery is not opposed to religion. From time to time, it is good to repeat that phrase to remind the writer and the reader that we respect and embrace, to the best of our ability, all religious beliefs. We do not judge individuals or religions. That is not our purpose. The goal of spiritually-minded people is to embrace everyone with love, kindness, patience, and understanding. What is it that holds us back from embracing people unconditionally? Fear is perhaps the main reason that we keep people at a distance. Many people talk about embracing a new day and opening their lives to the adventures that it will bring, but how often do they consider the different variety of lives they will encounter? How often do we mentally prepare to embrace people who are different with warmth, love, understanding, and caring? Part of the concern we may have is the unknown. When we meet a new person, what will they be like? Will they like us? If we take a leap of faith and reach out to them, will they accept our attempt at friendship? Will their beliefs line up with ours? Will we have things of mutual interest?

If we could return to the innocence of childhood and welcome anyone and everyone with open arms, we might find that our vulnerability attracts people. people who warm up to us, but occasionally people who see us as easy targets. On several occasions we have addressed the need to discern and set boundaries, and we repeat that advice now. Who doesn’t love an innocent child, and the same qualities that endear us to those children are also qualities that we find endearing in adults. Those who love openly and freely draw us to them, make us want to be like them, and we discover we want to spend time with them. Fear keeps us from recognizing the spark of divinity that lies within each person we meet, and, perhaps, our biggest fear is being rejected. If we could embrace each person and understand that they need and want love just as much as we do, we could supply that love to them, and they could reciprocate in kind. Not everyone will be spiritually mature enough to give in equal measure, but with time, love will work into the cracks of hurts and abuses and do its healing work. By embracing the un-embraceable, we become a part of that healing.

Before leaving this topic, I want to share two concerns. The first one is about vulnerability. When we become vulnerable, people will warm up to us, but occasionally some of the people who warm up to us might be people who see us as easy targets. Because of our openness, some people seem to think they have a right to take advantage of us, prey on us, and use us for their personal gain. On several occasions we have addressed the need to discern and set boundaries, and we repeat that advice here. The second concern is the need to set boundaries with people who take advantage of us intentionally or intentionally, consciously or subconsciously. They might even have good intentions, but that doesn’t make them right or give them permission to cross boundaries.

Today’s Assignment is twofold. First, consider ways in which you can be more open and vulnerable in your life, and second, discern people who might take advantage of your vulnerability and openness. Set boundaries where needed, and love and forgive them from a distance.

STONE THIRTEEN CONTINUED
 
Love: I learn to deepen my ability to love when I learn to tolerate, accept, embrace, and forgive. I choose to employ these attributes to my spiritual walk, to my personal relationships, and to my world view.
 
Instruction: Learn to accept.

Acceptance is a second way to put our love into action. This begins when we defend the child being bullied, but we also accept that the bully is also hurting and is crying out for love — not necessarily in a way that will bring the results that he or she wants, but it is still a cry for love and attention. This acceptance extends to individuals that society might deem less desirable, less worthy, and unlovable. It also extends to those who are among the elite, the privileged, and the upper class. Acceptance also reaches out to those whose religious beliefs differ from ours. Tolerance and acceptance work together to help us bridge the distance between religions that seem so apart that each is willing to kill and be killed in honor of their God and their religion. Love is complex and made up of many qualities, but love that excludes, dehumanizes, destroys or bullies others is not pure love.

Acceptance doesn’t equate to approval. We can tolerate a religion or a person that is different, we can accept them as humans worthy of love, and we can accept religions that we might not agree with, but that does not mean we have to approve of their teachings or their behavior. Love accepts and tolerates, because it values the person or, in the case of religions, the people who support those religions, but we don’t have to agree, accept as our own, or be bullied by them to believe what they believe or act the way they think we should act. We accept individuals, because we are able to see ourselves in them. Had we lived the life they lived or been raised the way they were raised, we, more than likely, would believe and act the way they do. Tolerance and acceptance become easier when we put ourselves inside their shoes, their minds, and their hearts, knowing that we might seem just as unlovable to them as they once were to us. Acceptance is another step in the right direction of getting along with and loving all people.

Today’s Assignment is to consider our acceptance level. You don’t have to approve everything you hear and see, but you are called upon to love and accept people as divine creations worthy of love in spite of their behavior. This is also true of you. Learning to tolerate, accept, and love yourself can be challenging for many people.
 

STONE THIRTEEN
 
Love: I learn to deepen my ability to love when I learn to tolerate, accept, embrace, and forgive. I choose to employ these attributes to my spiritual walk, to my personal relationships, and to my world view.
 
Instruction: Put love into action.

We have seen the concept of putting love into action explained in a variety of ways by religious leaders and others. Some say that when we give money to the religious organization we follow we are putting love into action, the old “put your money where your mouth is” concept. We’ve heard religious leaders urge us to “save the lost,” and by doing so, we are putting love into action. Besides religious leaders, other public figures have encouraged us to put love into action by giving to a cause, volunteering to help in a crisis, and by supporting whatever program they believe will make a difference. I don’t mean to disparage these definitions of “putting love into action,” but I think there is, at times, a measure of manipulation and self-interest involved. It is with a little reluctance that I propose we put love into action, because I don’t want to be guilty of manipulation or self-interest.

Perhaps the words of Stone Thirteen can lend some help: “I learn to deepen my ability to love when I learn to tolerate, accept, embrace, and forgive.” In these words, we don’t have a direct call to action that has us pick up a banner, a shovel, or open our checkbook. These words call forth action in our thinking and in our hearts. They are demanding words that would open our eyes to see our world as one family. Each word challenges us to new ways of being. Toleration[1] is difficult for many, especially when they have been taught intolerance. Any religion that believes their way is the only way, that all other religions are false, and that they serve false gods, teaches intolerance. There is no way of knowing which religion is the one true path, which seems like a shame if everyone else is doomed. Tolerance is the beginning of bringing our world together, finding global peace, and a foundational stone of love. This is a good place to start. This is part of what it means to put love into action.

If you have been taught that there is only one correct religious path, are you able to see the intolerance that often accompanies that belief? Being able to tolerate different religious beliefs and to even find meaning and hope in the words of religious leaders that are different from the ones associated with your brand of religion is often the starting point of religious freedom both personally and globally.

Today’s Assignment is to consider where you stand on religious tolerance. This concept of tolerance often comes to religious beliefs last, but perhaps religions should lead the way.
 

[1] permission by law or government of the exercise of religions other than an established religion; noninterference in matters of private faith and worship. http://www.dictionary.com/browse/toleration?s=t

STONE TWELVE CONTINUED
 
Thank: I am grateful. Gratitude helps me bring out the positive in my life and also makes room for The Divine to bring additional positive situations, people, and spiritual experiences into my life. I thank those who have guided me on my path.
 
Instruction: Open to The Divine.

By saying that gratitude helps us open to The Divine, we want to state that we’re not talking about a Higher Power who is swayed by how much we appreciate what we think He or She does for us. The Divine doesn’t provide extra help to us simply because we express more gratefulness than someone else. There is nothing wrong with expressing our gratitude, but if we think it places us in better standing than someone who is less grateful, then we have placed human characteristics and limitations on our concept of the Creator. Perfect Love, loves perfectly. Perfect Love shows no favoritism among Its children. What gratitude does, however, is to open our awareness of the wonder and all-encompassing love of that which is greater than self. When we say that gratitude allows The Divine to bring additional positive situations, people, and spiritual experiences into our lives, it is more a matter of the change that happens in our awareness and not because The Divine rewards us.

Gratefulness opens our eyes and allows us to see things that we might have missed before. Connections are made that can allow spiritual growth because our gratitude affects the way we interpret and understand our place in life. We also understand that we have the potential to help heal the world by connecting with those who share our vision. Many people have come to understand the power of gratitude, and many have started and maintained a gratitude journal. Life is better, friends are plenteous, and heartaches fewer when we see life with grateful hearts. As we thank our Higher Power, we are able to understand fully that we are loved, cared for, and worthy. For those who believe in a strict, vengeful, fear-based divine being, gratitude allows us to comprehend that some of those perceptions might be faulty. Our fears might even be lessened when we realize our world has been given to us for our joy and pleasure. What we make of that world, and the way we show our appreciation, determines to a large degree our sense of happiness, meaning, and worthiness.

Some individuals who started from horrendous beginnings may need to be prepared for the transition to happen in stages. As gratitude brings more positive relationships into your life, some of the less positive relationships from your past may try to keep you where you were, and familiarity may allow you to let in some people who are more like those from your past. Don’t give up. Accept the growing number of positive relationships as your measure of success and keep going until you get there one hundred percent.

Today’s Assignment is to open your heart and mind to The Divine appointments in your life. As you grow spiritually, you will meet more teachers who will display love, light, kindness, and gentleness. Welcome these individuals and determine that you will strive to embrace their good qualities. Be grateful for their influence and your progress.

STONE TWELVE CONTINUED
 
Thank: I am grateful. Gratitude helps me bring out the positive in my life and also makes room for The Divine to bring additional positive situations, people, and spiritual experiences into my life. I thank those who have guided me on my path.
 
Instruction: See what wasn’t there.

Gratitude helps bring out the positive in our lives — things that we might have overlooked before. When life gets us down and we see the glass as half empty and draining rapidly, we often overlook the little blessings that surround us — even the tiny miracles that go undiscovered. Sometimes these blessings and miracles are in the form of the wonder of nature — the blooming of a flower, the rise and fall of the ocean tide, the dawning and setting of the sun. At other times, these blessings and miracles arrive in the form of daily blessings that come our way. I’m always amazed when the Universe puts together two people with mutual interests such as common histories, shared likes and dislikes, and similar spiritual paths. Sometimes we fail to notice these happenings, because we were too busy with our schedules to take time to get to know someone better.

When we live a life filled with gratitude, we open to the world around us and the world within us, and our eyes see things that we overlooked before. We relish the new friends and acquaintances we make, and we see in them the hand of The Divine. We even learn to see these in strangers, too, and also even in our enemies, although this doesn’t mean we need to make ourselves vulnerable to our enemies again. We can be more open to the changing of the seasons and marvel at the splendor, and we can be amazed, even though it may terrify us, at the powerful ways in which nature can devastate the earth. Gratitude opens our physical eyes and our spiritual eyes. It promotes health and happiness. It lifts our spirits and lightens our day, and it has a positive impact on those around us.

Today’s Assignment is to be grateful for the world around you. Notice sights and sounds you may have overlooked. Take a leisurely stroll with no destination and no time limit. If you are physically not able to take a stroll today, let your mind stroll through your memories to find a quiet place and time that will bring you peace and serenity. Be grateful for the gift of life.

STONE TWELVE CONTINUED
 
Thank: I am grateful. Gratitude helps me bring out the positive in my life and also makes room for The Divine to bring additional positive situations, people, and spiritual experiences into my life. I thank those who have guided me on my path.
 
Instruction: See what wasn’t there.

Gratitude helps bring out the positive in our lives — things that we might have overlooked before. When life gets us down and we see the glass as half empty and draining rapidly, we often overlook the little blessings that surround us — even the tiny miracles that go undiscovered. Sometimes these blessings and miracles are in the form of the wonder of nature — the blooming of a flower, the rise and fall of the ocean tide, the dawning and setting of the sun. At other times, these blessings and miracles arrive in the form of daily blessings that come our way. I’m always amazed when the Universe puts together two people with mutual interests such as common histories, shared likes and dislikes, and similar spiritual paths. Sometimes we fail to notice these happenings, because we were too busy with our schedules to take time to get to know someone better.

When we live a life filled with gratitude, we open to the world around us and the world within us, and our eyes see things that we overlooked before. We relish the new friends and acquaintances we make, and we see in them the hand of The Divine. We even learn to see these in strangers, too, and also even in our enemies, although this doesn’t mean we need to make ourselves vulnerable to our enemies again. We can be more open to the changing of the seasons and marvel at the splendor, and we can be amazed, even though it may terrify us, at the powerful ways in which nature can devastate the earth. Gratitude opens our physical eyes and our spiritual eyes. It promotes health and happiness. It lifts our spirits and lightens our day, and it has a positive impact on those around us.

Today’s Assignment is to be grateful for the world around you. Notice sights and sounds you may have overlooked. Take a leisurely stroll with no destination and no time limit. If you are physically not able to take a stroll today, let your mind stroll through your memories to find a quiet place and time that will bring you peace and serenity. Be grateful for the gift of life.

     There is a practice used for the mining for gold known as panning. A wide, shallow pan is used in the process, and it is partially filled with sand and rocks and then submerged under water. Because gold is heavier than sand and rock, the pan was shaken until the gold is sorted from the gravel and sand.
     Spiritual gold mining can be done using a similar process. We gather religious advice and information into the broad container of our minds, and then we sort it thoroughly to allow the gold of spiritual wisdom to remain. We discard the gravel and sand of what is not intended for our highest and best.
     Sometimes gold can be found when mining for other substances such as copper. Gold may not have been the element we were searching for, but an astute miner will be rewarded for recognizing the element. Spiritual gold doesn’t always show up in the places we expected to find it. We might be surprised to find spiritual gold in a prison, or in the slums, or in our daily routines. But, those who know what they are looking for, will find the spiritual gold, cherish it, and allow it to enrich their lives.

STONE TWELVE CONTINUED
 
Thank: I am grateful. Gratitude helps me bring out the positive in my life and also makes room for The Divine to bring additional positive situations, people, and spiritual experiences into my life. I thank those who have guided me on my path.
 
Instruction: Let gratitude lead to forgiveness.

Many people find it difficult to forgive themselves. Perhaps they find the consequences of their behavior too horrific to imagine that anyone would or could forgive them, and they have decided that they have no right to forgive themselves either. Maybe their actions, directly or indirectly, caused someone to lose their life. Maybe more than one person died. Sometimes these deaths might be justified by acts of war, and sometimes the acts were done out of anger or evil intent. People will sometimes refuse to forgive themselves out of extreme guilt, and perhaps they feel that by holding onto the guilt and shame they are punishing themselves for what they did. In addition to punishment, their refusal to forgive keeps the memories ready to be replayed in a nanosecond of time. Helping someone who holds onto guilt and shame is certainly not easy. So, where do we begin?

Perhaps the practice of gratitude is one place to start. We are certainly not saying that those who cannot forgive themselves for hideous deeds should be grateful for what they’ve done. What we are suggesting is that even though they find it impossible to forgive themselves, they will discover that others will grant them forgiveness — not everyone, but some will have that ability. Ministers, priests, and other religious/spiritual individuals will extend love and forgiveness. At times, even the friends and family members of those who were hurt will find it within their hearts to forgive. And, of course, most religions believe that their Higher Power grants forgiveness. One place to start is to be grateful for those who extend grace through forgiveness.

Another place where gratitude can help is in recognizing that we are free to choose a better path. Regrets may fill our minds when we consider the past, but we can be grateful that this present moment, influenced by the past only with our permission, is ours to do with as we please. While regretting the past, we can be grateful that we can be a different person and that this moment and all future moments can be what we want them to be. The past can serve to make us committed to be more loving, caring, patient, and kind. We can be grateful that the past is behind us and we don’t have to revisit it or repeat it.

Our misdeeds, large or small, often allow us to forgive a lot of things we see in others, because if we can be forgiven for our atrocities, surely we can be less judgmental and more forgiving of those whose misdeeds pale in comparison. Our past then becomes a lesson in grace, and we can find a measure of gratitude in that we have become better than we were. Our heart’s desire can be to right our wrongs and perhaps help another to avoid the mistakes we made. Thus, gratitude often comes before forgiveness, leading the way that will allow us to find opportunities to make amends and to live a grace-filled life.

A SPECIAL NOTE: There are also individuals who struggle to forgive themselves for mistakes they perceive as their own, when, in fact, they are not the responsible party. One example is a child abuse victim who was taught by their abuser to blame themselves when they were the innocent victim. This subject is sensitive, and I don’t want to give an answer that is too simplistic. My first suggestion would be to seek help from someone that is probably better equipped than I am, but at the same time, I want to point out the value of what is taught in the Steps and Stones.

Today’s Assignment is to take charge of your spiritual path, and that includes your recovery from any abusive situation. Feel the pain, but also recognize what was self-inflicted and what was NOT your fault. Release yourself from self-inflicted pain for a situation you were not responsible for and place the blame where it belongs. When you are strong enough, forgiveness comes next, but I recognize what a huge step this is, so give yourself plenty of time to work through this process and don’t rush things. Gratitude can help. Be grateful to those who come along side to help you. Be grateful when you discover that you were not to blame. Be grateful for each step of the healing process. In time, you might be able to be grateful that you can help someone else.

STONE TWELVE CONTINUED
 
Thank: I am grateful. Gratitude helps me bring out the positive in my life and also makes room for The Divine to bring additional positive situations, people, and spiritual experiences into my life. I thank those who have guided me on my path.
 
Instruction: Thank ahead.

As we think about gratitude, we often reflect over our past and give thanks for the way things have worked out for us. We also think about our present position in life, and we find things to be grateful for on a daily basis. When it comes to our future, I doubt that many of us remember to thank ahead. At first consideration this might seem like a proposition in futility, because how can we be grateful for things that haven’t happened, and how do we know we will be thankful for the future, especially one that comes with pain and sorrow? Gratitude isn’t complete if we are only grateful when things seem to go our way. Gratitude acknowledges that all of life is valuable, irreplaceable, and something that should be cherished. Therefore, we can be grateful for everything that happens and open to the possibility that those things we would rather avoid could be lessons in love, meaningful corrections, and the Universe’s way of giving us better direction.

Stone Twelve states that gratitude helps me bring out the positive in my life and makes room for The Divine to bring additional [future] positive situations, people, and spiritual experiences. Perhaps the word “positive” should have been left out of this Stone, but when we live in gratitude, we find ways to turn negatives into positives. Batteries have a positive and a negative end, and life is often similar. All it takes to turn a negative end into a positive end is to flip the battery around. All it takes to turn what we call a negative situation into a positive situation is to turn around the way we see things. Gratitude helps us make that flip in our minds and hearts. The Christian Bible states: “In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.” 1 Thessalonians 5:18 KJV[1] If I may paraphrase that to make it more universal to all religions, I would say: In everything give thanks: for the Universe brings things into our lives to guide and direct us. We might not understand the gifts that come our way, and we might even despise some, but if we can open to the possibility that negatives can be turned around into positives and find even some small measure of hope for the change that is to come, we will open our lives to astonishing possibilities.

Perhaps one positive thing that can come from what we label as negative experiences is our ability to understand what another person is going through when our experiences are similar. In working with individuals who are recovering from religious abuse, I am grateful for having experienced a measure of religious abuse in my own life or it would be difficult to relate to someone else and difficult to help them. Before I went through that experience, I would not have understood the concept of “thanking ahead.” I wouldn’t have been able to imagine that I would have to go through something so painful, and I wouldn’t have ever dreamed that I could be grateful for all that pain. But, because of the pain, I can understand the pain of others, and I can, in many situations, help them in ways I couldn’t have without personal experience and knowledge. Life will bring us experiences that can help us if we will allow it.

Today’s Assignment is to “thank ahead,” knowing that there is a life lesson that might be in store for you, and you might be able to help others as they go through something similar.


[1] https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Thessalonians+5%3A18&version=KJV

STONE TWELVE CONTINUED
 
Thank: I am grateful. Gratitude helps me bring out the positive in my life and also makes room for The Divine to bring additional positive situations, people, and spiritual experiences into my life. I thank those who have guided me on my path.
 
Instruction: See how gratitude improves daily life.

Perhaps we could take a day to concentrate on finding and taking advantage of every opportunity to practice gratitude. When we purchase a cup of coffee or something to eat, we could take a moment to look into the eyes of the person who is serving us and deeply express our gratitude for their efforts. Our goal should not be to see how gratitude improves our personal life as much as it should be to see how it affects the lives we encounter. When we give genuine and sincere compliments, praise, and gratitude, take a moment to notice if the person receiving the praise smiles a little brighter, steps a little lighter, and holds their head up a little higher. We have many opportunities in our lives to brighten another person’s day simply by noticing them and appreciating them. We also like to be noticed and appreciated, so we can understand how thoughtful and loving our actions are when we lift up another person.

This simple practice can spiral into a lifetime of being a kind and loving individual who, by simply expressing sincere gratitude, garners countless friends and few, if any, enemies. When someone appreciates me, my work, and my life, it’s difficult for me to be mad at them. After all, they have great taste. J Along with gratitude comes the practice of thoughtfulness. Someone who practices thoughtfulness sees the expressions of those on a losing endeavor and empathizes with them. They often go a step or two further and offer comfort through listening, encouraging them, and admiring the work and effort they displayed. Gratitude will take us far in life, and in the end, it is not the things we do, the money we make, or the jobs we hold, but it is the way we treat one another, love each other, and appreciate and support our brothers and sisters. Gratitude is a spiritual practice that benefits those who receive as well as those who give. Both benefit. And, who wants to pass up a win-win situation?

WARNING: Gratitude can also be misunderstood. If you take the advice that’s been given and take time to notice and appreciate people, they might think you have an ulterior motive. Some people might think you are flirting with them because you are being nice. This could be especially true if it’s a drastic change in your personality. There is a balance to be struck, and, unfortunately, we can’t control other people’s actions or reactions. We do have control over our own actions, and making gratitude part of our upgraded personality can have wonderful benefits.

Today’s Assignment is to be grateful to strangers who open the door, wait on you at a restaurant, clean up after you, or transport you around town. If you don’t go overboard in your praise or gratefulness, chances are in most situations our efforts will be appreciated and not misconstrued.
 

STONE TWELVE
 
Thank: I am grateful. Gratitude helps me bring out the positive in my life and also makes room for The Divine to bring additional positive situations, people, and spiritual experiences into my life. I thank those who have guided me on my path.
 
Instruction: Be grateful in everything.

Gratitude is something that comes when we understand that nothing is without meaning. Sometimes the meaning seems to elude us for months or even years. Sometimes we might not feel as if we understand why something happened. But when we determine to believe that life is not meaningless and that things happen for a reason, we can make a determined decision to let things unfold and be grateful no matter what. The benefits of gratitude have more to do with our emotional, spiritual, and mental health than they do with any kind of physical reward.

Gratitude is its own reward, because it brings serenity to our lives, and serenity allows graciousness and grace to flow through us to touch those around us. Perhaps the practice of gratitude should have been higher on the list of Stones, but the Stones are not listed in order of importance. Gratitude is a state of mind that doesn’t draw attention to itself but rather draws attention to the kindness, love, and generosity of others. Like love, it does not seek for personal attention or gain. It is not self-centered and does not seek the spotlight for itself but for others.

Gratitude builds bridges between people and can heal relationships. Gratitude is the oil that makes things work more smoothly and reduces friction. The simple practice of saying “Thank you” is powerful. At times, we might want to show our gratitude in more substantial, physical ways such as repaying a kindness, but gratitude doesn’t expect or demand such repayment, or it wouldn’t be gratitude. We appreciate young people who are kind to others and when they express their gratitude openly. We know that they will make a positive difference in the world. We appreciate our elders who not only teach us about gratitude but who also demonstrate it in their lives. Perhaps the world doesn’t really change when we are grateful, but it seems to make it a kinder, gentler world, and what’s the harm in that? If we can benefit simply by being grateful, then we might want to take advantage of this simple act of appreciating what other people and our Higher Power has done and is doing on our behalf. Gratitude is a practice that can be incorporated into our lives simply by choosing to make it important.

Today’s Assignment is to take a moment to look at this practice with fresh eyes and imagine how it could benefit you and those you love. Look for opportunities throughout your day to practice gratitude.

STONE ELEVEN CONTINUED
 
Laugh: I choose laughter as the notes of my song. This temporal life is a journey to be enjoyed. I look for the comedy in situations, and I learn to laugh at my own comedy of errors.
 
Instruction: Be around laughter.

We are drawn to people who make us laugh. Laughter is enjoyable, lightens our cares, puts us in a better mood, and helps heal our hearts and souls. Being around people who make us laugh is something that simply makes good sense. There are different forms of laughter, and some are more helpful than others. Dark humor often makes fun of other people’s disabilities, and so it is not as uplifting and healing as humor that lifts us up. Most humor helps us to relate to the familiar in a way that allows us to see ourselves in ways that encourages us to change. Laughter often pokes fun at incorrect thinking, behavior, and prejudices. We see in our own lives the comedy that is pointed out in others, and this allows us to see how to make changes that will have improvements in the way we see others and the world around us. This humor that uses familiarity is perhaps the most often used by sit-coms and comics. We share our lives, our reactions, and responses, and the audience relates. We put ourselves on display and often show ourselves as bad examples of how to handle people and situations in hilariously poor ways. This is learning from the mistakes of others by understanding how we have made the same mistakes.

Growing up in a strict religious belief system that perhaps was too serious about life taught me how to make a point through the use of playful teasing seasoned with enough laughter to avoid getting into trouble. It wasn’t always the healthiest form of humor, and, at times, I crossed the line from humorous to hurtful. My teasing would go too far, and although I love a good laugh, I learned it wasn’t right to laugh at the expense of another’s feelings. If they weren’t laughing with me or if I was laughing at them (or even seemed to be), then I was too close to dark humor. Like most things in life, humor can be distorted, and we want to avoid that. Overall, we can allow humor to be the notes of our song. We can enjoy life, look for the comedy in situations, learn to laugh at ourselves, and be a part of healthy humor that heals our lives and our world. Sometimes we meet people that we don’t think have a serious side to their life. They laugh easily and readily. There have been times when I have shied away from some of those individuals, but I wonder now if that was a mistake. I would think we would benefit from people who have a great sense of humor.

Today’s Assignment is to take a moment to consider if you’ve avoided people because of their sense of humor. Could you benefit from their friendship? Could their lives and influence help you to enjoy life more, and could they also help you to develop more laughter and joy?

STONE ELEVEN CONTINUED
 
Laugh: I choose laughter as the notes of my song. This temporal life is a journey to be enjoyed. I look for the comedy in situations, and I learn to laugh at my own comedy of errors.
 
Instruction: Make the quick choice.

In most of the everyday circumstances that come our way, we can choose to see the humor in the situation, or we can choose to see hurt and pain. Many times our egos step up to inform us that we were wronged, that we have a right to be upset, mad, hurt, or injured, and we should retaliate and lash out at the person or circumstances. When we pause to consider the situation, we might be able to see the humor in the whole ordeal. Perhaps a misunderstanding created the event. Maybe the other person was joking or teasing, and we took them seriously. In many of these situations, given a little time, we are able to see the silliness that evolved, and we are able to laugh at the way things were blown out of proportion. It would be nice if we could circumvent the whole episode by making a decision to handle it differently. By looking for the humor first, instead of seeing in retrospect, we can avoid a lot of misunderstandings and conflicts.

I had a friend in college who taught me this concept by example. One day, we were in the lobby of one of the college’s dorm rooms, and we heard a couple of girls laughing. My insecurity — and my ego — kicked in, and I felt sure the girls were laughing at me. There was no rationality for my thinking, but my insecurities had determined that the girls were laughing at something about me — my appearance, my speech, my looks, or perhaps my social skills. Immediately, I felt disdain for them, because I just knew they were thinking poorly of me. I was ready to walk away as quickly as possible and right them off as mean and cruel people who I wanted nothing to do with. My friend, however, was much more secure with himself, and instead of getting upset, he approached the situation with a calmness that I admired. He smiled, turned to the girls, and asked, “Are you laughing at me?” I was surprised. I don’t recall exactly what happened after that, but the girls either said “No” and then explained what they were laughing at, or, and I think this was the case, they might have said, “Yes” and then explained why they were laughing at my friend. What I remember for sure is that my friend laughed with them. I determined that I wanted to learn to respond like my friend. To see the humor in situations that, in the past, I would have been upset about, and I also decided I would learn to be able to laugh at myself. Most of the time, I succeed at being able to see the humor more quickly than I did in the past, and that has made my life more peaceful and enjoyable. Often, we take ourselves and our lives too seriously. Let’s loosen up, laugh, and love.

Today’s Assignment is to consider the possibility that laughter is a choice you make. But, why shouldn’t it be your choice? Like many things in life, you are, or should be, the captain of your ship and the one who plots your course. You can choose to face life with a smile, a light step, and a willingness to see the humor in life. For me, that’s an easy decision.

STONE ELEVEN CONTINUED
 
Laugh: I choose laughter as the notes of my song. This temporal life is a journey to be enjoyed. I look for the comedy in situations, and I learn to laugh at my own comedy of errors.
 
Instruction: Choose laughter as the notes of your song.

Great songs are not always bright and cheery. Some have moments of silence that forebode bad things to come, others have calming passages that are meant to prepare us for a transition, but many of our favorite songs have a light, airy, bright, and cheery tune that sticks in our mind and replays itself over and over. When we reflect back over our lives, we don’t want to remember the passages of music that foretold of bad things to come. Instead, we want to remember the happy, joy-filled moments. The more we incorporate laughter into the notes of our music, the more our memories will be happy, sweet, and fulfilling. We like to laugh. I’ve known people who were embarrassed by their laughter, because it was too boisterous, too girlish, or to whatever — and people made fun of them. How sad. There is no right or wrong way to laugh, and when we withhold our laughter, we are trying to suppress the happiness emotion. Everyone would benefit if they had at least one good belly laugh a day. We don’t always achieve that, and for some, it could be that they haven’t had a good, rocking-and-rolling belly laugh in years. It’s time to reach down deep and find those suppressed feelings and release them.

Laughter is one of the best forms of healing that we know of. Some doctors have recognized its potential and how laughter seems to be able to flush out our system, almost acting like a detoxing agent to rid our bodies of bad emotional juju. A baby bird waiting to be hatched is surrounded by the dark. Once it cracks its shell, the light streams in, and in a short time, it is free to grow and fly. Sometimes the circumstances of life seem to imprison us in a shell of darkness, and we are left without hope or light. It seems we will never escape and be free to enjoy life, to grow, or to fly. Then, somehow, we find the courage to laugh at something ever so slight, and that laughter is the vibrational notes of a divine song that cracks the shell of our imprisonment and allows light and hope to return to our lives. The more we listen to the music of laughter, the more we heal, grow, and rise to fly in freedom once more.

Today’s Assignment is to consider the idea that laughter can be cultivated into your life. Being around young children and seeing what makes them laugh is one way to plant the seeds of laughter. Listening to comedians or watching comedy shows can be another way to grow laughter. Jokes are another source that can benefit us. Personally, I love jokes and I used to have dozens memorized that I could pull from my laughter vault any time I needed to lighten the mood

     The Buddha said that “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”[1] Stone Eight talks about releasing emotions that we deem harmful to our spiritual path, and for the most part, anger is one of those emotions that often does more harm than good.
     Religious extremists must see anger as a positive emotion because they use it to stir people to action. Unfortunately, that action often results in hatred that may even lead to senseless killings and wars. Some preachers and evangelists have used a style of delivery that makes them sound angry — often shouting to get their point across. I suppose they justify their behavior as righteous indignation or righteous wrath, but I don’t like that style and disagree with that method.
            Does the use of anger create a loving world, or a world that is more divided and torn? To me the answer seems obvious. And, unfortunately, those who justify the use of anger and hatred to “make the world a better place” are the ones holding the hot coals of anger, and they are the ones who will ultimately get burned.


[1] Young, Christopher (2012-04-12). Buddha Quotes - 365 Days of Inspirational Quotes and Sayings in Buddhism (Kindle Locations 292-293).  . Kindle Edition.

STONE ELEVEN CONTINUED
 
Laugh: I choose laughter as the notes of my song. This temporal life is a journey to be enjoyed. I look for the comedy in situations, and I learn to laugh at my own comedy of errors.
 
Instruction: Consider the shortness of life.
If circumstances were to physically pull us and toss in different directions without much notice and do so while we were traveling at a high rate of speed, we would find it so terrifying that we might have a heart attack. If we were experiencing a popular roller coaster at an amusement park, we would understand what we were getting ourselves into, and most of those who paid their money and waited in line would be exhilarated by the ride. Most roller coaster enthusiasts want to go as fast as possible, as high as possible, and be looped, spun, and tossed around as much as possible. They might yell, scream, and even beg for the ride to stop so they can get off, but once the ride is over, the majority will be thrilled at the rush and many will laugh at themselves and at their friends for the antics they displayed while they were on the ride.

Stone Eleven reminds us that this temporal life is a journey to be enjoyed, much like the roller coaster at the amusement park. We are here for a short time, and what we do with our time on earth is up to us. We can enjoy it, or, like some who realize the ride was more frightening than fun, we can beg for it to end. Even if we were born into or find ourselves in truly grueling situations that most people would agree are extreme, and this does happen to some people, still, take every opportunity that you can find to laugh even if your opportunity may not be as plentiful as those people in less extreme situations. I have no doubt that when we look back at our lives from the other side of the grave, we will recall the roughest, bumpiest, scariest parts of our lives, and we will laugh at what once felt like an unbearable experience. Whoa, that one almost did me in. I didn’t think I’d come out of that situation with my sanity. We do make it through, and the ride will one day be over. When we consider the shortness of our lives, we can make a determined decision to enjoy the twists and turns, to laugh as much as possible, and to loosen up and not take ourselves, or our problems, too seriously.

For those today who are experiencing great pain in their life, this Stone might feel useless and perhaps even insulting as if you have been asked to empty the oceans one teacup at a time. There are times in life when there are no easy solutions.

Today’s Assignment is to take a step back, look at the situation from a higher perspective, and open to the possibility that this dark roller coaster ride might actually come to an end one day and that — maybe, just maybe — before long you might be able to laugh once more. That is the goal, and sometimes it can also work as part of the solution.

STONE ELEVEN CONTINUED
 
Laugh: I choose laughter as the notes of my song. This temporal life is a journey to be enjoyed. I look for the comedy in situations, and I learn to laugh at my own comedy of errors.
 
Instruction: Let go of bad humor.
​
Unfortunately, humor can have its dark side. When we laugh at people instead of with them, we are not using laughter in a positive way but in a negative way. Simply being aware of the difference between good and bad humor helps us to avoid being cruelly unkind. There are ways of using dark humor to our advantage, and one of those ways is to exaggerate dark humor to a degree that we see it for what it is — silly, untrue, unkind and ultimately unwanted. The humor of Don Rickles comes to mind. If we were to take his words at face value, we would dislike the man, and some who don’t understand his sense of humor do not find him funny. He says things that are often unmentionable and politically incorrect in order for us to see how ridiculous our prejudices can be. He categorizes people by ethnicity and calls them names that had we used them when we were children, our mothers would have washed our mouths out with soap. It is his extreme, almost like a child without a filter, that makes us laugh at him, and ultimately at the likeness of ourselves we see within his cutting words.

Don Rickles sets for us a bad example, an extreme that is so wrong that it opens our eyes to the right, and through his foul approach we actually become better people. Don Rickles’ humor is the exception, not the rule. But there are ways in which we can emulate, to a lesser degree, the lighthearted “ribbing” that allows us to poke fun at our world and the seriousness we often give to it. We should avoid humor that hurts people — that is the bad side of humor — but we can find humor in our own story. Self-deprecating humor can help us lighten the seriousness in situations and call us back to the song of joy of the childlike nature that lives within each of us.

Today’s Assignment is to consider the nature of your humor. Do we enjoy a good laugh at someone else’s expense? If so, we might want to look for other ways to be funny and humorous. Laughter doesn’t always have to be about hilarity. Light humor can also lighten our mood and brighten our day. Let us remember to avoid the dark side of humor and bring out the best in everyone, including ourselves.

STONE ELEVEN CONTINUED
 
Laugh: I choose laughter as the notes of my song. This temporal life is a journey to be enjoyed. I look for the comedy in situations, and I learn to laugh at my own comedy of errors.
 
Instruction: Notice your spiritual growth.

The Divine wants us to be happy, and as we observe children, it is apparent that for the most part they are happy. It’s almost as if children have to learn how to be unhappy, miserable, and sad. Most parents want their children to be happy, so most parents don’t intentionally raise their children to be serious, somber, and stern about life and its meaning. Perhaps when religion, well-meaning though it may be, teaches us its rules and structures, it aids in the process of quieting the laughter and humor of life. Certainly, religions that believe in eternal damnation tend to take away the fun side of life. One might think that those who are part of the fold who believe they are safe from this eternal damnation would be filled with fun and laughter, but that is often not the situation, because they have a huge (and very serious) responsibility to save family, friends, and in short, the world from the fate they would have suffered had they not found their way. We mean no disrespect of these religious beliefs, but, somehow, in the midst of all this damnation, their story of hope, love, and joy seems to have been lost to many.

If we search for a religious belief system that meets our needs, we might want to consider the childlike factor. Does the religion we’re considering understand and encourage what it means to be childlike? Many religious organizations have come to understand the value of the fun factor, and they use this to engage their audience, so they will have a good time and want to come back to the party. If this is done in moderation, the fun factor can be a positive experience. When overdone, the show becomes more important than the message In addition to this, many of those churches teach grace and mercy but the members are unhappy and serious because they are constantly fighting not to lose their salvation. As we heal, the fun and laughter returns to our lives, and we do, indeed, become more childlike. We see the beauty in creation; we look forward to new adventures; we are open-minded, accepting, loving and forgiving. We love easily and without distinction, and laughter becomes the notes of our song.

Today’s Assignment is to check your life to see if your fun factor, childlikeness, and humor quota are in balance. As in nearly all areas of life, balance is important. Perhaps you need to laugh more in order to help develop the childlikeness and fun you might have taken for granted.