STEP NINE CONTINUED
 
Forgive ourselves for all harm we may have caused, even if it was well-intended.

Instruction: Be gracious.

It is with permission that I share the following story of a young father who was in the process of going through a divorce with the mother of his three-year-old son. The young boy, even at the age of three, understood more than what the father gave him credit for and was acting out his hurt and pain in inappropriate ways. He didn’t understand why his dad wasn’t with his mom, and he was angry. When it was suggested to the father that he apologize to his son for the situation, the man responded by saying, “There’s no way I’m going to apologize to a three-year old.” How sad — not just for the child but also for the father. He didn’t recognize the damage he was doing to his son by withholding his apology, but he also didn’t see the damage he was doing to himself and to his future relationship with his child.

Apologies are simple things, and if we can let go of our pride and get in the habit of making them in the small matters, then when the big crises come along we will not find it nearly as difficult. Perhaps the father felt he didn’t need to apologize, because he felt his actions were justified in one way or another. It’s not for me to judge his actions, because I don’t know the circumstances, and, even if I did, it still wouldn’t be my place to judge. An apology can be such a powerful tool for healing. Sometimes that healing doesn’t happen in the present moment, but the memory of that attempt can help when someone, a young child in this case, reflects over his situation later in life. We might think that a three-year-old doesn’t understand, and with some children that might be true. We never know when a child’s internal self-esteem and ability to love and accept love is damaged by a mood of hatred, strife, and bitterness. Giving an apology, even if we don’t think we need to, is a matter of being gracious, and graciousness is a good thing.

Today’s Assignment is to look for ways to be gracious. Give an apology to someone if you think you might have said or done something to offend them. Show appreciation for something someone said or did. And, don’t forget to be gracious with yourself.

      People use different postures for prayer and meditation. Some prefer to stand, some to sit, some to kneel, others to lay prostrate on the floor—or in bed (one of my favorite postures). I’ve even heard it said that some people consider yoga to be a prayer position, and that those who use yoga for prayer or meditation are worshipping a false god. To which I say, what a load of rubbish. The position is not important. The practice is. I would also propose that what name we give to the One we meditate or pray to is also not important. Obviously, the important thing when we consider our prayer posture is what works best.
      I have tried several postures, and most have been beneficial. At the time of this writing, I use the prone, lying-in-bed posture the most, but I also enjoy a seated posture with my feet flat on the floor, eyes close, and body relaxed. My posture is not too erect and not too slumped. I’ve also enjoyed the cross-legged posture while sitting on a zafu cushion, and a kneeling bench posture. Both of these have been enjoyable. When we find a posture that we like, it’s okay to stick with it. But, don’t be afraid to venture into other postures. As far as I know, no posture belongs exclusively to one religion, so if other people find their form beneficial, maybe we will too.

STEP NINE CONTINUED
 
Forgive ourselves for all harm we may have caused, even if it was well-intended.

Instruction: Clean the slate.

We come into this world with a clean slate. We have no sins, mistakes, errors, mishaps, or wickedness. As newborn babies, we are not judged or condemned. We are the only creations who believe in right and wrong, and that seems to have taken a toll on our planet. Our freewill choice is both a blessing and a curse. At times, it seems the longer we live the greater is our list of things we wish we had not done or things we wish we could do over. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could clean the slate and forget the past? We may not be able to forget the past, but it is possible to clean the slate. The ability to forgive coupled with love is the eraser that allows us to move forward without our list of errors constantly reminding us of our poor choices.

Forgiving those who hurt us is essential to the slate-cleaning process. Seeking forgiveness for the hurts we caused others is a second part of that process, and forgiving ourselves for our past mistakes and blunders completes the three-fold slate-cleaning process. Once we have accomplished this task, we recognize that not only does our forgiveness help to heal those we have hurt, but, just as importantly, that process helps us to heal our own lives, too. We can release the things of the past, because they need no longer bring shame, pain, and guilt to our present or future. We can move forward and recall our past as a learning experience. We can become the people we always wanted to be, and we can become the people we have the potential to be. Lovingly forgiving ourselves is not something we take lightly. It is an important step in this recovery program and in life in general.

Today’s Assignment is to look at incidents from your past where you have failed to forgive yourself, and as you also consider incidents from your past where you have failed to forgive others, consider this idea of cleaning the slate. Instead of going over each incident, try to clean the slate all at once. This works for many people. Some might be able to clean most of the slate, but still find certain incidents so overwhelming that they need to deal with them individually. For others, this image might not resonate with their spirit. But, if you haven’t tried it, I urge you to consider it.

STEP NINE
 
Forgive ourselves for all harm we may have caused, even if it was well-intended.

Instruction: Forgive yourself.

What is implied in Step Nine is that we will forgive ourselves for all “religious” harm we may have caused someone, but we also want to forgive ourselves for any and all harm we may have caused in any form to any individual. Many people find it easier to forgive the entire human race than to forgive themselves. One problem with being unable to forgive ourselves is that we continue to accumulate more and more mishaps, mistakes, and wrongful deeds that we believe need to be forgiven. Once in a while, it would be nice to be able to clean the slate and start anew. Forgiveness can do that for us, and it can occur not just once in a while but on a regular basis.

Many people have degrees of errors and some kind of arbitrary grading scale. Some people’s reasoning seems to go something like this: “I can forgive myself for my actions yesterday, but what I did last month, or last year, or fifty years ago was so awful I may never be able to forgive myself.” Once again, I’m reminded that some of these people find it easier to forgive others for the exact same things that they don’t seem to be able to forgive in their own lives. Being able to forgive ourselves is often as difficult as being able to love ourselves. They work together. If we keep a running tally of our personal offenses and see ourselves as monsters unworthy of forgiveness and love, we will struggle all our lives with this issue, and it can cause us to feel unlovable. We will find it difficult to maintain healthy relationships, and we may even find our physical health affected by the guilt and shame we carry with us.

Today’s Assignment is to take inventory of the things in your life that you have done that you have never forgiven yourself for. Some of these unforgiven moments may have stayed with you for years. Perhaps it was a time you said something that hurt someone’s feelings. You might not have known about it for years. Perhaps you had a moment of selfishness and took credit for something when someone else was the one deserving the praise. All too often, we hold on to things that could have been released decades ago. As memories surface — and you never want to force these to the surface, but simply allow them to come in their own time — simply take a moment to grant yourself forgiveness. It is that simple.

STEP EIGHT CONTINUED
 
Seek forgiveness from those we hurt unless doing so would cause further harm.

Instruction: Don’t defend.

Just because we ask for forgiveness, it doesn’t mean that it will be granted. This can be a troubling situation and one that can create additional heartache and turmoil. Let’s not forget that when we seek to do no further harm, that advice also includes us. If we want to seek forgiveness, but feel strongly it will not be given and we could be hurt in the process, we might want to back away, reevaluate, and wait. Fresh wounds require time to heal. We know this is true with the physical body, and it is also true with our emotional health. If we get into a situation where our apology is rejected, the best course of action is often to drop the matter and walk away. Defending our position or our need to be forgiven can make matters worse. No response is often the best response. Besides, an apology that is given with explanations usually comes across as justification. A simple, “I’m sorry . . . I was wrong . . . Please forgive me . . .” is often the most sincere and acceptable apology.

If we determine that we will not defend our actions, we will find there is strength in our stance. Likewise, if we refuse to qualify our forgiveness, it can become the strongest possible. If we were to say, “I would be willing to forgive them if they would ____ “ then we base our forgiveness on conditions. Conditional forgiveness is not forgiveness. We would not appreciate it if someone were to place conditions on the apology we offered them. Someone who says, “I’ll forgive you if you promise never to do it again,” sets both parties up for disappointment. Forgive, release, move on, and release all future events into the keeping of the Universe. Making promises, even well-intended promises, doesn’t mean that we will be able to keep them. Consider an alcoholic who has promised hundreds of times that he or she will never take another drink — only to disappoint themselves and those who love them.

Today’s Assignment is to consider these words of Jesus: “let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’”[1] Your apologies often need to be simple expressions of remorse without trying to justify or explain your behavior unless you are asked. If you are asked to explain, then you might want to remember this is your apology and not a time to shift blame. As you also have opportunity to forgive those who hurt you, try not to put conditions on their apologies, but try to accept the attempt of reconciliation no matter how feeble you might judge it to be. We also want to emphasize once more the need to separate forgiveness from permission. You are allowed to be cautious and set boundaries when necessary, especially when dealing with serious abuse situations.

[1]https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+5%3A37&version=NKJV

STEP EIGHT CONTINUED
 
Seek forgiveness from those we hurt unless doing so would cause further harm.

Instruction: Don’t make things worse.

Sometimes a simple apology is the best. Rehashing an event in which your behavior was hurtful can bring old wounds to the surface, and, if not handled carefully, can create new wounds. Sometimes when I disagree with someone, I’ve learned not to try to fix things in the moment of battle, because we are both too upset and irrational to see things as they really are. We have made minor issues important, and we are not able to focus on the real problem, which might not have anything to do with the argument we are having. It is better to wait until things calm down, and I can listen reasonably and dispassionately. Not everyone solves their problems in the same way, but, ultimately, we must decide what is important and what is not. Often, a simple, “I’m sorry. I overacted,” is sufficient to mend things, at least temporarily, and sometimes it is all that is ever needed.

A large part of the wisdom of Step Eight is to not cause further harm. When our apologies tend to restart the argument, we might want to rethink the timing of the apology, the wording of the apology, or even the necessity of using words. Actions often say what our words cannot. This could be in the form of a gift that says “I’m sorry,” but the actions that speak the loudest are the ones that show our remorse by not repeating the undesired behavior and by replacing the undesired behavior with behavior that is wanted and needed. If my wife feels hurt because I don’t pay her enough attention or spend enough time with her, then a simple apology followed by spending more time and paying more attention works best. Defending our behavior rarely gets to the heart of the matter.

Today’s Assignment is to consider the ways in which you argue, make amends, and work towards preventing further harm or damage. Can you stop an argument before getting overly emotional about your position? Can you address the issues at a later time without causing further harm? Can you resolve an issue without going on the attack? Can you apologize in ways that are nonverbal?
 

STEP EIGHT CONTINUED
 
Seek forgiveness from those we hurt unless doing so would cause further harm.

Instruction: Separate forgiveness from permission.

We may have heard people say, “It’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission.” We may have even used that logic ourselves. This can be a tricky road to navigate. On the one hand, if we know someone well enough to know they wouldn’t have a problem with what we want to do and if the thing we want to do is not something that would create a falling out if we were wrong, then perhaps there are times when it is acceptable to proceed and not bother that person who might be in the midst of something important. On the other hand, this type of thinking could lead to a diminished view of forgiveness — one that sees it as “no big deal.” Abusive behavior can also come into play when we assume that because of a person’s religious beliefs they will be compelled to forgive us. This borders on arrogance and is definitely unhealthy thinking.

If we choose to forgive someone, that doesn’t mean we give them permission to repeat the same offense. Those who don’t take our forgiveness seriously and who disregard our rights and feelings need to learn that we might forgive them, but we don’t have to be a part of their abusive behavior. We can, and should, forgive them and love them, but we can also choose to keep our distance, feelings, and our worlds separate.

When we seek forgiveness from another person for injuries they have suffered at our hands, we might want to remember that if the other person forgives us, it doesn’t mean we have permission to continue the same behavior, we don’t have permission to be their best friend, and they might not even want to be around us. We can’t control whether our apologies are accepted or rejected. We can’t control the outcome of our apologies or the future relationship. What we can control is our behavior, and we can choose to stop hurting people — especially in the name of our religion.

Today’s Assignment is to give some thought today to the expression, “It’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission.” Are you using that expression to justify bad behavior or to get your way when you think someone might not, in fact, give their permission? Are you degrading the value of forgiveness by thinking that another person has to forgive or they owe it to you to forgive your behavior? Do you not lose a measure of your integrity and put relationships in jeopardy when you assume you will be forgiven, all will be forgotten, and life will go on without negative consequences?

STEP EIGHT CONTINUED
 
Seek forgiveness from those we hurt unless doing so would cause further harm.
Instruction: Accept that we make mistakes.
I’ve heard people say that we shouldn’t apologize or say we’re sorry, because it acknowledges that we made a mistake or that we were wrong. I don’t, however, agree with the advice. Humans make mistakes. We can waste time defending our position, or we can simply say, “I’m sorry, I was wrong,” or “I was mistaken about the information I received,” or “I apologize, but what I heard was taken out of context and I shouldn’t have repeated it,” or “I shared information from the Internet without thinking to verify it.” Life is full of little errors and to think we can live free of them is living in denial.

The examples I gave were simple ones, but there are times when the information we have been given was full of serious mistakes and issues, but we accepted it in totality and then passed it on to others as the truth. Yes, we may have been duped ourselves, but when we pass that on to others, we share in a measure of the responsibility. If that information is a set of religious beliefs that we later discover to be misleading, unfounded, or even fraudulent, we can choose to overlook it and defend it, or we can make the decision to break away from it and try to undo whatever damage we may have caused.

Perhaps our pride tells us not to admit our mistakes or to say we’re sorry. If we allow our pride to keep us in a toxic religious belief system, then we are allowing pride to allow the abuse to continue. We don’t have to live that way. We can accept that mistakes were made, correct and apologize where needed, and allow our spiritual discernment to help us make better decisions in the future.

Today’s Assignment begins by acknowledging that you make mistakes and no one is perfect. As long as your mistakes don’t affect other people, you can give yourself grace and forgiveness, but when your mistakes hurt or abuse someone else, you should consider the best way to make amends. How can you correct the mistakes you made? What can you do to prevent serious mistakes from reoccurring? Who needs an apology from you? This is difficult work, but the more you practice it, the easier it will get, and the better your life will be.

STEP EIGHT CONTINUED
 
Seek forgiveness from those we hurt unless doing so would cause further harm.
Instruction: Accept unspoken forgiveness.
Forgiveness doesn’t have to be a verbal recognition. By the same measure, our apology doesn’t have to be spoken. There are times when I’ve acted poorly with those I love, and, on occasions, when my behavior has been especially bad, I’ve gone to the store and purchased a gift, usually flowers or a card, and left it for the one I injured. The gift might be accompanied by the words, “I’m sorry, please forgive me,” or the gift might simply be left in silence. The meaning is implied, and although most people like to hear the words, the gesture can be adequate, and, at times, the gift can mean more that the words we say. Words are easy to say, but taking the time and energy to present something we can hold on to and cherish, often carries more weight and expresses our regrets, our love, and our commitment better than words, and it also keeps us from saying the wrong words.

At times, the ones we want to forgive us are no longer with us. Those who have died cannot give us their forgiveness through their words. We can visit their graves and offer our apologies, and for many this can prove to be helpful. We can also take flowers with us and lay them on their grave as a gesture of our remorse for not making amends before it was too late. I believe the dead are merely transformed into a spirit form, and I believe they can still hear us and watch over us, but I can’t prove it. For myself, and for many others, that thought is comforting and allows us to accept the unspoken forgiveness.

Whatever method works for each individual to release their past hurts, disappointments, and seeming failures is what they should do. Living with unresolved guilt isn’t necessary. If we regret what we have done to another person, in the name of religion or for any other reason, a simple acknowledgement such as saying, “I’m sorry, please forgive me,” is all that is necessary. If someone fails to accept that apology, or can’t because they are no longer with us, then we must accept it from our Higher Power.

Today’s Assignment is as we consider this Step, try to use your ability of discernment to determine when a verbal apology is needed and when a silent apology is the best course of action. You might also want to consider when to make use of a gesture such as a gift, but, for many people, the best apology, with or without words, is a change of behavior.
 

​      Slowly, I am learning the secret of overcoming fear. In my youth I was taught to fear God and keep his commandments. If I didn’t, I would surely die and go to hell. I was also taught to fear the evil in the world and to shun the darkness. Later I learned to fear political enemies — which was often difficult because they changed from time to time. Those who were once our enemies could also become our friends, or at least our allies.
      I was a strange, quirky teenager who didn’t curse, go to movies, wouldn’t think of drinking, doing drugs, or having premarital sex. I was a Bible-carrying, holier-than-thou freak (he said with a bit of tongue-in-cheek). As a result of this unusual lifestyle, I experienced a lot of fear — from parents, church, ministers, the world, but mostly from myself.
      For me, the answer to my fears was when I discovered that I was not to fear God, but to love God because God loved me. The answer to my fears was to love. If I had lived my teenage years with all those “quirks” but had understood and lived a life devoted to loving God, others, and myself, I could have lived a life void of fear. Fear and love cannot coexist within our hearts.

STEP EIGHT CONTINUED
 
Seek forgiveness from those we hurt unless doing so would cause further harm.

Instruction: Consider the means.

The way we go about seeking forgiveness is important. I recall a famous TV evangelist who, after it was discovered that he was guilty of immoral conduct, made a tearful, televised display for the world to witness. Perhaps I border on judging the man, but I wonder if his act of contrition would have carried more weight had it not been such a public spectacle. In the Christian tradition, there is a passage of Scripture where Jesus says, “Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them.” (Matthew 6:1a NIV)[1] Seeking forgiveness from someone we have harmed could be considered an act of righteousness in that it is trying to make right something we have done wrong. The wisdom of Jesus in not making a display of our good deeds should be followed when it comes to seeking forgiveness. Should we decide to make restitution where possible, this should also be done in quietness and without a public spectacle.

The means we use to seek forgiveness should also be in keeping with the principle of love. Does it repair a relationship or does it put more strain on it? Does it need to be done in person or can a card, letter, or phone call achieve the same results? Does our seeking forgiveness make us look good at the expense of the people we ask to forgive us? And, what if the person we seek forgiveness from isn’t ready to forgive us? Wouldn’t it be wise to find a better way to make amends than to bring up old wounds? Step Eight can be complicated, and we don’t want to incur a new battlefield or inflict new wounds. Sometimes the desire to be forgiven by an individual should be put on hold until enough time and healing has occurred so that we are sure we will not do more harm.

Today’s Assignment is as you consider this Step, try to remember that what you are seeking is a spirit of discernment. Consider whether your apology will hurt or harm the one receiving it. Don’t be selfish and try to force forgiveness on someone else. For the time being, you might need to accept forgiveness from your Higher Power and from yourself. At the same time, you also might want to be open to the possibility of seeking forgiveness at a later time when the offended is ready to receive it.


[1] https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+6&version=NIV

STEP EIGHT
 
Seek forgiveness from those we hurt unless doing so would cause further harm.
​
Instruction: Ask for forgiveness.

For one reason or another, not everyone will feel a need to work this Step. In fact, there may be other Steps that don’t seem to resonate with individuals, and we want to encourage each person to find what works for them and what does not. If any Step seems wrong to an individual, we encourage them to listen to the prompting of their heart, their intuition, and their common sense. The ultimate test in deciding which Steps we work and which ones we don’t should be our heart. If we work a Step, such as Step Eight, because it has the potential to make us feel good about ourselves but we fail to consider how our actions might affect someone else, then we might want to stop, rethink, and make sure that what we do does not violate what Love would have us do.

Before we set off on a campaign to make things right, let’s stop to consider if we are making things better or worse for those involved. There might be times when we need to set our needs aside in order to prevent more harm to those who are already hurting.

Step Eight may prove to be the most difficult Step for many people. When our pride comes into play, we can find it challenging to admit we were wrong and to ask someone to overlook our shortcomings. We don’t like to admit that we make mistakes, especially when we consider those mistakes to be big ones. We don’t have a problem asking forgiveness for minor offenses such as gossiping or bending the rules, but when we have done something that seems to us to be unforgivable, we often balk at seeking out the ones we offended in order to make amends. Courage is tested when it comes to asking for forgiveness, especially if we fear the asking could reveal hidden secrets that threaten to cause more pain, hurt, and suffering. That is why Step Eight warns of making sure our actions don’t do more harm than good.

Today’s Assignment is to not take any concrete action unless you feel compelled by Love to do so. Sit with the concept of this Step and think about, meditate, and/or contemplate how you can apply this to your life and in what way you can be sure that when and if you decide to ask for forgiveness, you can accomplish that without causing further harm.

STEP SEVEN CONTINUED
 
Choose to forgive those who hurt us in the name of religion.

Instruction: Tell someone.

When I probed deeper into the idea of forgiveness, I found it difficult to put the concepts into practice. I’ve been around enough people to know that my experience was not unique. Forgiveness sounds like a good idea, but putting it into practice sometimes causes us to stumble. During those times when I struggled, I could call to mind someone I felt had hurt me in some way, and, immediately, my emotions would come into play. I would begin to relive the pain and anger I felt at the time. Quite often, the incident occurred years in the past, and the person who had hurt me had often moved on and left me sitting in my grief. Overcoming some of these incidents often takes a simple determination to forgive and let go. Other situations require a little more help. That is why we suggest that we tell someone about our hurts, disappointments, and abuses caused by religious leaders or by simply the struggles of living.

The idea of having someone to confess our sins, mistakes, and blunders to is nothing new, but the idea of confessing to another in a positive way might be new to some. We often tell someone about our hurts, but too often it can come across as pettiness or even gossip. It’s important to carefully choose the person to whom we want to confide. At times, a religious or spiritual individual is an excellent choice, because they understand the need for confidentiality and anonymity. Sometimes a trained counselor can help, and we can also find guidance from a trusted friend. It is important that these individuals listen well, and that they also offer a different perspective than the one that has been keeping us in chains of un-forgiveness. We often remember not only the facts of a situation, but we also carry with us our interpretation of the events. Along with those interpretations, we also tend to assign to those who hurt us the motivation that created the event. What we sometimes forget is that the motivation we assign isn’t always real. We interpret based on our past, but we don’t always interpret accurately. Someone looking from the outside can often point this out to us and help us to see another interpretation — one that allows us to live in grace and forgiveness.

Today’s Assignment is take a look at an isolated incident from your past that you still have trouble processing with love, forgiveness, and healing. Consider the perspective of the one who hurt or abused you, and ask yourself if there could be another interpretation for what he or she said or did. At times, we jump to conclusions without examining the foundation of our beliefs. Consider whether that might be true in the situation you are examining. Try to give grace and forgiveness, and if you still struggle, consider sharing your story with a trusted friend, counselor, or mentor.

STEP SEVEN CONTINUED
 
Choose to forgive those who hurt us in the name of religion.

Instruction: Recognize the strength of forgiveness.

Some people believe that forgiveness is weakness. They seem to equate forgiveness with cowardice. Only the brave are courageous enough to forgive. Only the strong can face their darkest days, give grace to the villains in their lives, and release the need for hatred, anger, and thoughts of revenge. This courage is developed with every minor decision we make to look beyond the actions of others to the hurts in their souls, to comprehend that the worst things we see in others could also be possible in our own lives, to be grateful that we have the ability to make our world better — not by wars but by forgiving, releasing, and loving. We don’t see ourselves as being better than other people. Instead we see ourselves as equals who are simply in the position of being grace-filled people, because that is what we have chosen for our lives.

Forgiveness is not weak but strong, not limited but unlimited, not helpless but all powerful. Forgiveness is the road less taken, but the road that yields the best and quickest results in developing peace within ourselves and within the world. We no longer have to plot revenge or waste time feeling hurt, spiteful, or crushed. Forgiveness heals the forgiver and allows for those who we believe offended us to see the love of the Creator in action. Forgiveness levels the playing field and brings life back around to unity and oneness, seeing within each individual the face of The Divine who loves us unconditionally and never withholds forgiveness to those who seek it.

The strength of forgiveness also lies in its ability to say, “Yes, you are forgiven, but I will not allow you to do that to me again. I respect myself too much, and I will not be subjected to hurts or abuses you might want to pass on to me.” In the strength that forgiveness gives, there is gentleness and defenselessness. We are certain of who we are, and part of who we are and who we choose to be is someone free from the roller coaster ride of the abuse-forgiveness-repeat pattern. When we decide to get off that roller coaster, we can choose to leave with no resentment, hidden agendas, or ill will towards those who want to keep us on the ride.

Today’s Assignment is to get off the abuse-forgive-repeat roller coaster. If someone abuses you, and you choose to forgive them, that doesn’t mean you are giving them permission to continue the abuse. You can take appropriate steps to prevent the abuse from happening again — to you or to someone you love.

STEP SEVEN CONTINUED
 
Choose to forgive those who hurt us in the name of religion.
​
Instruction: Forgive and forget.

This platitude, forgive and forget, has been used over the years, but is it good advice? When the pain of abuse, religious or non-religious, is severe, such as in the case of sexual, physical, verbal, or mental abuse, forgetting is not only nearly impossible but also not necessarily a good thing to do. Probably a more accurate catchphrase would be to “forgive and forgive,” because often the abuse comes back to wound us over and over. Sometimes this is triggered by an event or a discussion, and, at other times, it seems as if it simply comes without a trigger. One thing for us to remember is that forgiveness is first a decision, and the emotion sometimes takes a while longer to catch up with our choice to forgive.

The “forgive and forget” refrain seems to understand that when the emotions catch up with the decision, we have reached the point where we have forgiven, and the pain is no longer raw. We can recall the incident without giving into the pain it caused in the past. Forgetting the incident is not realistic or even good advice. After all, our memories serve the purpose of preventing us from repeating unwanted behavior. If we touch a hot stove, we will get burned. We don’t want to forget that hot stoves can burn us. We do, however, want to reach the point where we understand that the stove was doing what it was designed to do — generate high levels of heat. Initially, we might rage at the stove and want to throw something at it, but we know this is senseless. The stove was being true to its nature. We learn from the incident, and our memory allows us to avoid repeating the experience in the future.

Most religions and religious leaders are doing what they think is right. Most have no desire to change or to become anything other than what they are. If we have been “burned” by them, we forgive, remember the incident so as not to repeat it, and move on. They were being true to themselves, but we must now be true to ourselves. We can forgive and forget in the sense of releasing the pain while still holding onto the memory.

Today’s Assignment is to take time to rethink the concept of “forgive and forget.” Is it realistic? Perhaps try on a different expression such as “forgive and release.” Or, in some cases, perhaps a better idea is to “forgive and remove.” If you continue to get hurt or abused, perhaps you should remove that person from your life, or remove yourself from his or her life.

STEP SEVEN CONTINUED
 
Choose to forgive those who hurt us in the name of religion.
Instruction: Remember the boat.

There is a story in the Zen tradition that can help us forgive. Imagine an empty boat that bumps into your boat on a river or stream. We probably wouldn’t be angry at the boat, because it had no control over where it was going and had no way of preventing the collision. If someone were inside the boat; however, we might become angry or enraged at such a careless act. In life, we often go about as empty boats not paying attention to where we are going or what we are doing. When we accidentally crash into someone, we might be surprised by their reaction, because we meant them no harm. We would probably feel a simple apology and perhaps an offer to pay for the damage should be all that is required, yet for some reason, the other person may rage at us and seem unwilling to forgive.

If we can give ourselves grace for mistakes and accidents when we acted like an empty boat, perhaps that knowledge can help us to forgive others when they act like an empty boat. Many people live unexamined lives and go about as empty, rudderless boats. They seem to float through life without the knowledge or the ability to connect to the power of the current or stream that would move them into deeper waters of truth, love, understanding, and purpose. When someone cuts us off in traffic, is cruel to us, makes fun of us, or dismisses our opinions as unimportant, let’s try to see them as rudderless, empty boats that need our understanding and love. If we can shift our perspective, we can more easily forgive and let go of the minor, day-to-day annoyances that would keep us empty and rudderless, too.

Today’s Assignment is to see a situation from the perspective of the empty boat. It meant no harm. When someone crashes into your world unannounced, try to understand and forgive from a different perspective, namely that of the rudderless, unintended, or unattended boat.

STEP SEVEN CONTINUED
 
Choose to forgive those who hurt us in the name of religion.

Instruction: Make it a practice.

One of my favorite stories about the power of forgiveness comes from the 2006 Amish school shooting of ten Amish children. The mother of the shooter was devastated that her son, Charles Carl Roberts IV, had committed such heinous crimes. She felt that she would no longer be welcome in the Amish community, and she would have to move away. The Amish, and the rest of the world, surprised her by forgiving her son for his violent acts. Many of the Amish came together to reach out to the mother and father who raised him. In fact, the Amish came to Terri Roberts (mother of the shooter) and told her they didn’t want her to move away. The first people to greet Terri after the shooting were a mother and father who had lost two daughters because of Terri’s son. The kindness of the Amish was not wasted on Mrs. Roberts who not only stayed in the community but made it a point to visit the most severely wounded survivor of the shooting every Thursday for years.

We may wonder how the Amish were able to forgive so quickly and not seek revenge on the parents who raised the boy who killed five and injured five more. The answer I found was a simple one. The Amish were able to forgive, because they make forgiveness a practice — something they believe in deeply and practice daily. They understand the destructive nature of withholding forgiveness and how resentment and thoughts of revenge eat at a person and causes nothing but inner pain, turmoil, and anguish. They understand that forgiving allows for peace and love to flow, whereas, refusing forgiveness blocks the flow of love, harmony, joy, and all the good qualities that make our lives enjoyable. They practice forgiveness and rise to the challenges of life with an understanding that all of life is spiritual and worthy of living no matter what circumstances befall us.

While the Amish realize that forgiving allows for peace, love, joy and all the good qualities that make life enjoyable, they also seem to understand that living in known danger can stop those qualities. More than likely, they would not have tried to prevent any possible consequences of the shooter had he not taken his own life. Some might have needed to practice what I’ve described as loving — and forgiving — from a distance. I also wonder if the Mr. Roberts taking his own life after the shooting is an example of what unforgiveness can lead to. When we don’t forgive, including ourselves, it can lead to such disharmony that it can be harmful to us and many others.

Today’s Assignment is to look for opportunities to practice forgiveness. As you practice forgiveness in the little grievances that come your way, you might discover that forgiveness comes easier when hailstorms of pain rain down upon you. Make forgiveness a daily practice.

      By trying to resolve a conflict too quickly, we can unintentionally make matters worse. In accordance with Step Eight, our goal is to seek forgiveness from those we have hurt unless by doing so, we would cause further harm. I have been guilty of this, and have tried to avoid personal confrontation by sending a letter or email instead.
      What a big mistake that often turned out to be. The problem, at least when we’re not face-to-face with a person, is they have no way of reading our body language — which often speaks much louder than our words. If we are penitent and apologetic, it shows on our face and in our posture. When we are not present, our words are often interpreted in the light of what was said previously in the heat of the argument. It is important for us not only to find the right words to say but also to say them in attitude and the right time.
      Trying to force an end to the hurts and disappointments can often cause further damage. I used to think of this only in the additional damage it caused the other person, but the truth is, it causes further harm to the one giving the apology as well. Take time for the foam of anger and resentment to fade away. Remember, when we say “take time” we mean hours, days, weeks, and maybe even years.

STEP SEVEN CONTINUED
 
Choose to forgive those who hurt us in the name of religion.

Instruction: Don’t set limits.

We might think we only have a certain amount of forgiveness, but when we set limits, we prevent ourselves from experiencing full joy and freedom. When it comes to religion, we hold religious leaders to a higher standard of behavior. When they fail to live up to our expectations, we find it difficult to forgive them for not measuring up to the ideal of what we think they should be, how we think they should act, and what we think they should be able to do for us. We expect someone who is connected with The Divine to be much more God-like in every aspect of his or her life. When they prove to be as fallible as we are, we find it difficult to forgive, and at times, nearly impossible to make excuses for them or to offer a second chance. Of course, it is also true that some go to the other extreme and find it all too easy to forgive and make allowances that shouldn’t be made. A reasonable balance is called for when it comes to trusting them to continue in a leadership role, but forgiveness can and should be offered by all. Let me emphasize that forgiving and overlooking abusive behavior are not the same. We forgive because it sets us free, but if a leader’s behavior is such that corrective measures are appropriate, then we take those corrective measures.

We forgive in order to be forgiven. As we extend forgiveness, we find it will be extended to us. When we withhold forgiveness, it is withheld from us. We will continue to mention this principle because it is so important to understand that forgiveness sets us free more than it sets those who we forgive free. In fact, there are certain situations where the abuse calls for the removal of a person’s freedom, so they cannot repeat the same behavior against another child or another adult. Instead of limiting the amount of forgiveness we will extend by saying, “I could never forgive them for what they did to me,” let’s open our hearts instead and say, “Somehow, by the grace of a Power greater than me, I will forgive.” When we set limits, we often find the Universe pushes us to those extremes — not to punish us, but to move us in a direction where we are not limiting the love we give, because the more love and forgiveness we extend, the more will be extended to us.

Today’s Assignment is to consider whether there are any ways in which you might limit forgiveness. Can you move those limits even if ever so slightly? Perhaps simply stating something like, “Maybe in time I can forgive, but for now I’m not ready.” A simple statement like this allows seeds of forgiveness to be sown in our hearts. Continue to try to find ways to water those seeds.

STEP SEVEN
 
Choose to forgive those who hurt us in the name of religion.

Instruction: Make the choice.

Some abuse survivors have been scapegoated so much they forgive too easily and part of their journey of healing is to learn self-protection. But for many people, forgiveness isn’t easy. It can be one of the most difficult and unnatural things we are called to do. After all, we want the villains of our lives to get what we believe they deserve, and codependents often protect the villains from getting what they deserve at the expense of others. At the same time, “I forgive you” is one of the simplest things to say even though we may not feel it in our hearts or mean the words when we say or think them. We are also prone to see forgiveness in degrees. We can forgive someone for gossip, but stealing takes a larger measure of forgiveness. Based upon the seriousness of the offense, the ability to forgive becomes more difficult. Perhaps the most difficult offenses to forgive include the sexual abuse of a child, murder, or a suicide caused by religious beliefs that are so rigid the person feels they can’t live up to the expectations of their Higher Power.

Many mistake the purpose of forgiveness and believe that it lessens the seriousness of the crime or that it means that we can’t, or shouldn’t, take measures to prevent the abuse from happening again. Forgiveness doesn’t mean approval, and it doesn’t affect the person being forgiven as much as it affects the one giving the forgiveness. We understand how difficult this Step is for many people. I’ve met people who have held grudges against their parents or other caregivers for most of their adult life and who don’t plan to make amends anytime soon — if ever, and perhaps the responsibility isn’t theirs to try to fix something they didn’t cause. I wish they could see how much hurt they are holding on to and how that hurt seldom effects the one they feel is responsible. We want apologies, and without them, we feel we can’t forgive. If we could only see the damage we cause ourselves by holding onto past hurts, we would do whatever we had to in order to release the pain and move on. The Buddha is credited for saying “Holding onto anger [or refusing to forgive] is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”[1] Forgiveness is so simple, but we make it difficult by placing demands on ourselves and others.

Today’s Assignment is to make the choice to forgive by simply opening to the possibility that this is what you want. Ask The Divine to show you how to forgive without conditions while still maintaining appropriate boundaries. Conditions and boundaries are two completely different things.
 


[1] https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/603179-holding-onto-anger-is-like-drinking-poison-and-expecting-the

STEP SIX CONTINUTED
 
Take inventory of ourselves to discover any way in which we have hurt, disappointed, or abused anyone by our religious beliefs.

Instruction: Hold our opinions.

Unless we know something to be the ultimate truth, we would be better off holding our opinions to ourselves. How do we recognize ultimate truth when we hear it? When one religion says one thing, another says something that seems to contradict it, and a third might seem to agree or disagree with the first two, then truth seems to be elusive. Sometimes truth can be neither side’s opinion, and sometimes it seems to be both. We find ourselves on opposite sides of the same issue, and, at times, we bounce back and forth looking for the truth. For instance, religious people fought on both sides of the slavery issue. Now, for the most part, most people have come to believe slavery is evil. Still, in some remote areas of the world, there could be tribes or nations who practice a religion that promotes slavery.

Our opinions and beliefs are simply that — opinions and beliefs. We can share those opinions and beliefs when asked, but to try to force those on someone else opens us up to be an abuser. When those opinions and beliefs are religious in nature, as many are, then we can find ourselves abusing people in the name of our religion or our deity. As long as we are abusing others, we will find that we will be abused by others. You can call it karma, or say, what goes around comes around, but the fact is that we receive back the things we give out. “Judge not, that ye be not judged.”[1] When we stop pushing our beliefs on others and open to the Universe to guide us through love, acceptance, and understanding, we will be ready to break the cycle of religious abuse, and we will also discover that this can help with other forms of abuse. We know how tempting it is to want to share our new beliefs and religious insights with the world, but unless we are asked, wisdom and common sense suggests that we hold our opinions. After all, tomorrow we might discover “new truth” that seems to contradict “today’s truth.”

Today’s Assignment is to consider times in which you held something to be true and later discovered that it was false. People believed the world was flat. Some believed their Higher Power approved of slavery or that women shouldn’t vote. Can you hold your beliefs with an open mind, just in case you might be mistaken? For today, allow yourself to think about a long-held belief with an open mind and consider that maybe it isn’t true. I’m not saying it is or isn’t. I don’t know what truth you are considering, and even if I did, I still might not know if it is an absolute truth. The point is to withhold making a final absolute pronouncement — just in case we don’t know all the facts. That doesn’t weaken us. On the contrary, it shows strength and courage.


[1] https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+7%3A1-3&version=KJV

STEP SIX CONTINUTED
 
Take inventory of ourselves to discover any way in which we have hurt, disappointed, or abused anyone by our religious beliefs.

Instruction: Consider inflicted abuses.

The concept of religious abuse is not as common as drug, alcohol, physical, mental, or sexual abuse, but abuse can be found in far too many religious settings. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen as often, or maybe more often, but the concept is just beginning to be recognized. People are beginning to talk about it more and more, and programs are forming to help individuals cope with the abuses caused by a religious leader or a religious organization. One common form of religious abuse is the use of guilt to shame its members into giving lavish amounts of money to a religious organization. Some have been convinced that they should sell their homes and give the money to the religion they belong to. Some have left large amounts of money in their wills and trusts. We are not condemning the offering or the giving of money in general, but balance is missing. A lack of balance can mean that some people aren’t taking care of themselves or their families.

Another serious form of abuse is when a religious leader abuses his or her position to have sexual relations with a member, or members, of their religious group. Some even justify this by claiming this is what their Supreme Being desires. No! This is what they desire! We hope that no one who is reading these lessons is sexually abusing someone else, but we do know that these things can and do sometimes happen. If that is the case, we urge you to seek professional help. Once again, the point is made that we often do what has been done to us (although this is usually not the case with sexual abuse), and we find it difficult to break old habits of behavior. Step Six is designed to help us look at our own lives to be certain that we are not doing to others what has been done to us. It behooves us to break the cycle in order to find the healing and freedom we want for ourselves.

Today’s Assignment is for those who are sexually abusing someone and also for those who have been sexually abused. Both parties need to seek professional help. Religious Recovery also welcomes you to their meetings, but we want to remind people in these circumstances that we are a non-professional, self-help organization, and although there is a lot of help that we have to offer, we also recognize our limitations.

STEP SIX CONTINUTED
 
Take inventory of ourselves to discover any way in which we have hurt, disappointed, or abused anyone by our religious beliefs.

Instruction: Consider inflicted hurts.

When we look at ways we have hurt other people, some in the name of religion and some through our mistakes and failures, we see a more serious side of what Step Six is bringing to light. One way to begin this process is to look at the religious and nonreligious hurts that have happened to us. We consider our personal hurts first, because we understand that we could be prone to do unto others what has been done to us. Abused individuals, unfortunately, sometimes become abusers. What we are considering here are ways in which we have passed onto others our own pain and suffering which can assist in our own healing. Our shortcomings can often be a roadmap to finding ways in which we play it forward.

We consider these hurts as dispassionately as possible. Guilt and shame are not tools that prove to be the most effective in our healing process. Knowing we have been hurt and that we in turn have inadvertently or even willfully hurt others is all that is needed. The expression “judge not, that you be not judged” is simply a reminder that we are all fallible and capable of great hurt or great love, and that all too often we have not chosen love. To remedy this, we look first to the times and situations in which we wish we could rewrite the past; the times in which we played the villain instead of the hero and also the times when we failed to stand in the gap for those who needed someone to help them and not to judge them. And, more to the point of this program, the times when we allowed religious rules, regulations, and strictures to dictate our response instead of allowing love to rule our actions and reactions.

Today’s Assignment is to recognize ways in which you might have passed hurts, pains, or abuses onto someone else. If this is an ongoing process, you will want to recognize it and work toward ending it as soon as possible. Be gentle with yourself and avoid being overly judgmental or condemning of your actions. Forgive yourself and move on as quickly as you can.

STEP SIX CONTINUTED
 
Take inventory of ourselves to discover any way in which we have hurt, disappointed, or abused anyone by our religious beliefs.

Instruction: Consider disappointments.

I recall times when I disappointed people in my life, because I said or did something that was less than kind, and, in fact, may have been cruel. Sometimes it was in the name of religious belief, but at other times, it was simply my human imperfection coming out. At first, we might overlook the ways in which we disappointed others, and perhaps we don’t need to spend a great deal of time going back over too many of these incidents. The eventual goal is to heal ourselves from religious abuses, hurts, and disappointments, so we don’t want to overlook something that might still cause us pain. When it comes to disappointments, our inventory might be only those incidents that come to our immediate attention. Scouring our memories to try to discover every single incident seems out of balance. We will know which ones to consider, because when they come into our memory, there will still be pain associated with them.

Perhaps not all of life is religious, but because we are spiritual beings, all of life is spiritual. Therefore, when we disappoint someone, there is a spiritual wound, even if it be ever so slight, which recognizes our need to forgive ourselves for being less than what we had hoped to be. A word of caution seems appropriate here in that we need not be overly aggressive with this Step or else discouragement and more disappointment might come as a result. We are looking at our past in order to heal, so we can live fully in the present. We don’t want to get stuck in the past. Forgiveness and setting aside the past incidents is our eventual goal, and that doesn’t require self-loathing, depression, and disgrace. We consider the ways in which we have disappointed others, but then we release them, move on, and accept the forgiveness, love, and peace that is waiting for us.

Today’s Assignment is to take time to review your past and allow times of disappointment to come to your mind. A thorough search is not needed. As each incident surfaces, forgive yourself. If you feel you must offer an apology or restitution, you can follow up on those promptings. But, most of the times when we have disappointed other people have been overlooked or forgiven by them, and we are the only ones carrying that weight. Release the past. Live fully in the present. 

STEP SIX CONTINUTED
 
Take inventory of ourselves to discover any way in which we have hurt, disappointed, or abused anyone by our religious beliefs.

Instruction: Go beyond religious abuse.

Some might not believe that Step Six applies to them, because they did not grow up in a religious atmosphere. They believe this Step can be overlooked. Many of our biases have roots that were formed in a religious belief system. The Ten Commandments of Judaism and Christianity have formed a major portion of many people’s moral code. Although the first four (having no other gods, no idols, not taking God’s name in vain, and keeping the Sabbath holy) speak more directly to religion, the last six (honoring parents, do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not bear false witness, and do not covet) seem to be more societal in nature and can apply to most cultures. Even though we might consider some of these commandments a moral or societal standard, the fact is that they are also a religious standard by which some religions base what is good and what is evil.

Based on this consideration, when Step Six says to take inventory of ways we have hurt people in the name of religion, we can see that using a moral code to judge and condemn people could be considered a form of religious abuse, especially if our approach is rigid and unbending. When we obey the letter of the law versus the spirit of the law, we open ourselves to the possibility of religious abuse. For instance, a police officer who gave an individual a ticket for going one mile per hour over the posted speed limit would be in keeping with the letter of the law but not necessarily with the spirit of the law, which is basically for drivers to operate their vehicles at a safe speed. Speed limits are not posted by doing exact measuring of traffic and road conditions, but are posted in increments of five (35 mph, 40 mph, and so on). By the same measure, an officer might be within their rights to ticket someone who was driving the posted speed limit if weather, such as a hail storm or heavy snow dictated that they were operating their vehicle in an unsafe manner. This would be following the spirit of the law. When considering Step Six, it is smart to consider ways in which we have been rigid in our dealings with other people and have overlooked the spirit of the law.

Today’s Assignment is to consider what it means in your world to follow the spirit of the law rather than the letter of the law. It is not reasonable to assume a law can be written to cover every detail of a given situation. Although with all the laws in place, it seems as if we have tried to cover every conceivable outcome. The next time you encounter a situation and you wonder, What is the right thing to do, consider the situation from the viewpoint of the spirit of the law.